Script improvement

Due to my privious script was hard to understand, our group members spent three days to improve my idea. And this is the first draft of our script, it is a combination of Ardi's idea and mine.



Script:
Characters: Emily, Emily’s sister
Scene one:
(Running Track)
Emily is standing on the racing track and looking forward (camera tracking around her, low angle)

Emily (V.O): My name is Emily, I am 24, and I am a relay race athlete. Five years ago I was almost dying….

Scene Two:
(Recollection)
Location: Ward

Emily is sitting on bed and reading her diary. Her tears drop down when seeing her pictures.

Emily (V/O): The unexpected diagnoses pushed me to the edge of death. I was suffering from the daily treatments. My doctor told me I had to wait for a new liver to live on. Because of the shortage of donors, I was like a canoe floating on the sea, and I had not idea when I can land. Both my family and me were despaired, the only thing always sustains me is my relay baton. I want to continue my life, I want to pass my baton on! But who can help me?

Emily feels painful, and her hand slowly moves to her liver position. She is weak and pale, she lies back and her diary drops off. She tries to approach her baton besides her.

Meanwhile, Emily’s sister opens the door and rushes in.

Sister: Emily! You have a new liver!

Emily looks at her sister, smiling.

An extreme close up on her eyes.
Scene Three
From her eyes, we can see the racing track.

Emily is smiling. She takes over the baton from her “Donor” and starts to run.

Emily(V.O): I don’t know who he is or even his name. He died in an accident and he was only 20. He passed his life to me, so I can keep running. I don’t know how far I can run, but I promise you my life saver, I will pass my life to the next person when I reach the end.
Scene Four:

Statistics:

Australia has one of the highest success rates in organ and tissue transplantation yet one of the lowest organ and tissue donation rates in the world.
Australias organ and tissue donation rate is approximately 10 donors per million of population most OECD countries have at least a 50% higher rate, some 100-200% higher.
There are currently 3,000 people (children and adults) on the official organ and tissue transplant waiting list in Australia waiting for a heart, kidney, lung, liver, pancreas or corneal transplant.
Of those waiting for a heart, lung or liver transplant, 20% will die before they receive one.
There are currently 8,000 people (children and adults) undergoing dialysis treatment in Australia. This number increases 6% each year. Only 1,500 make the official transplant waiting list for a kidney. Of those on the waiting list for a kidney the average wait is 4 years. It is considered futile to put the remaining 6,500 people on dialysis on the transplant waiting list as their chances of receiving a transplant would be very poor. There simply are not enough organ donors.
As many as 9 people can benefit from the organ and tissue donations of one person.
(Transplant Australia)

Scene Five:

Emily runs to us, passes her baton on…

Emily (V/O): I am an organ donor, are you?

END